20. Ice cream, insanity, illness and runners (not me)

Hello and welcome. The big news around Missoula these days is that the Dairy Queen on Higgins is open again. It closes for the winter, it is very quaint and ridiculous. They put a sign in the window that's all "Sorry suckas! No ice cream 'til mid-February!" Mid-February is normally pretty wintery/crappy - I thought the sign was a bluff, or a relic they never bothered to change, left over from the '60s when winter didn't last as long as it does now. But mid-February was true! Last week they put a sandwich board in front of the store with a cryptic countdown, it was very exciting. Everyone would drive by, see the sign, perhaps crash their cars or run over pedestrians because they were so excited.



It's barely in time. Missoulians have been experiencing a dangerous calcium deficiency since the Dairy Queen has been closed, and it's driven us to robbery, vandalism, vigilantism, and, occasionally, murder (we prefer stabbing). Some might be concerned that frequenting the Dairy Queen now will make us fat and Missoula will lose its status as Fittest City Ever (which we won last year from some magazine) but did you know that Dairy Queen doesn't even serve ice cream? They serve ice milk! Because the fat content is so low! They don't advertise that fact, because who wants to eat ice milk? Gross, no one does, so they call it something lame, like 'frozen treat' or whatever. But it's ice milk - milk, not cream. If they tried calling it cream, angry Dairy Farmers of America or whoever would come raid them (so the sign in the window actually read 'No ice milk 'til mid-February!', or it would have if that's what it actually said, but I was paraphrasing).

Since the Dairy Queen reopened, there have been unending lines of people standing outside it, all day long, even late into the night. I live right by the Dairy Queen, a few blocks away. I've spent the past many days walking by the Dairy Queen and I've stopped three times since it opened, I've been unable to resist. Yesterday I got a vanilla cone. It was fine. I got a malt once, that was fine. I got a Blizzard once, a Choco-Cherry Mega-Blasto XXXtreem Dream, which is not as good as Cherry Garcia and I can't recommend it - however, I haven't killed anyone or robbed anything since then, and I also haven't been run over, so, you know. Caveat emptor.

The reopening of the Dairy Queen gives credence to my premature call for the end of winter. And only two days after the Dairy Queen reopened, I saw my first shirtless jogger/moron of the year. I've been pushing the idea of spring since December, but this guy just... he was all pinkish, not because he was hot but because he was cold. Just because it got over 40 degrees doesn't mean you should take your clothes off and run around. Also I saw a lady running in a tank top. Temperatures in the low 40s warrant short sleeves, maybe even shorts if the sun is out and you're doing speed work, but that's it. Come on, people - no wonder half of Missoula is sick. (Half of Missoula is sick.)

19. Cursing, jinxing, running, weather

I have recently developed a special interest in the sh- word. It has turned out to be the most useful and appropriate word for many situations. This is surprising to me - traditionally, the sh- word seemed very weak to me, but now it seems pretty fantastic. I had always thought the f- word was the best and most versatile word in the language. Perhaps my embrace of the f- word led to overuse, which led to a weakening of its powers, which has led to it becoming fairly passe.

And now, at the risk of jinxing everything, I'm going to say that the winter has gone by very quickly and pleasantly. I know it's only the beginning of February and there could still be many terrible months ahead, but really, man - the sun shines merrily every other day and I've been wearing my spring and autumn jacket for a month. Last winter I was wearing polar bear hides from October until June. (That's not true, that would be gross.)

Sidebars:

1. A couple Novembers ago I saw some guy on campus scantily clad in deer furs, and he was barefoot.

2. Although I'm very superstitious about jinxing things, I don't think it happens. For years I've been trying to jinx myself into getting sick by saying that I never get sick, but it doesn't work. I never get sick and I won't get sick even though I'm saying that right now. Try and get me, germs, good luck. So even though I'm kind of worried that I'm setting us up for another long cold wintery spring by saying that the winter went by quickly, I don't really think I am.

3. It's been so nice and springy and last weekend was so lovely I changed my bedding to my springtime bedding on Sunday night - I was sweating all winter under my down comforter and finally I was like, "Well, shit, man" (a couple months ago I would have said, "Aww f*@k it, dawwwg" - you can see how elegant and expressive the sh- word is, and now you understand why my curse of choice has shifted) and so I changed my blankets, as I said, to my springtime bedding and it's been really comfortable and nice. So that was Sunday night, I say, and guess what! I opened my door Monday morning and there was like an inch of new snow on the ground. Which means I jinxed the springtime.

4. You know I got that membership to the rec center so I could go running inside when it was dark and terrible outside, and ever since then it's been light and warm and springlike outside, which means I jinxed the winter.

5. A month ago, when it was very cold, I lost a glove on the way to work, because it was actually not very cold and I was dressed too warmly and had to take off my gloves and hat, and when I got to work I realized to my dismay that at some point on my walk one of my gloves had silently slipped from my grasp. I worried about it all day but then found the glove on my way home, which I took as further confirmation that the Fates are back on my side. And I hadn't lost anything else this winter and I was very pleased by my ability to hang onto my wintery clothing items, and I bragged about that to my boss just yesterday. And then! Last night I forgot my hat and gloves at the movie theater and they are gone. Clearly, I jinxed myself with my braggery. Oh, such hubris.

6. I've been getting very bored lately. Also, I've lost my power bill.

7. The "preferred" spelling is actually wintry, but that's dumb.

8. I'm reading pulp.

End of sidebars.

Nothing else to say - I just wanted to get the word out that the winter has been relatively painless and I'm using the sh- word all the time now.

LATEBREAKING UPDATE: After much to-do, I have recovered my hat and gloves. Clearly, by writing about how I had jinxed myself, I unjinxed myself.