41. Weather, traffic, health update

Greetings from sunny Missoula MT! It is uncharacteristically sunny today (it has been sunny on my birthday only one other year of my very long life) and the sunshine is the result of my extremely powerful DJ abilities. I played sunny songs on my show last week and what's happened? You're welcome.

I went to Dairy Queen last night and it was barferiffic. I may have perhaps overestimated or exaggerated my passion for frozen desserts, but probably the reason it was gross was that I didn't get a chocolate nut whip, a mistake which I ought to rectify asap.

One of the things homeless people like to do is drive their beautiful cars around, so that's what I've been doing a lot lately. And so I am now kind of a huge expert on Missoula traffic signals. (I might change the focus of this blog from weather to traffic.) I came to this place from Seattle, and in Seattle they've got the traffic signals timed so that once you hit a green light you will always hit a green light no matter what you do. It makes driving through downtown Seattle an incredibly peaceful and pleasant experience. But in Missoula - oh, in Missoula we have the signals timed so that if you hit one green light you will never hit another green light ever again. Red lights everywhere. It's so dumb! So dumb! Dumb!



Facebook has no idea where in the world I am and it lies about how it figures out your timezone.

And now for an engaging and detailed account of my personal well-being:

I have been sick since 22:00 on December 30, 2009. As it turns out, I've got bacterial and viral infections. I am not a doctor but I should have become one, because I have a keen and intuitive understanding of the human body. Here's what I believe to be happening inside of me: In my sinuses, which, as far as I know, are comprised of a large room behind my nose - a room that is supposed to be empty or occasionally have a stalactite or stalagmite of booger - a large mass of snot has been hanging out since New Years Eve. This snotcloud was supposed to exit through the front door (called the 'nose') but, drunk and confused, instead tried to exit through my ears, which is impossible and attempts at which are uncomfortable (can't hear!). And so the snot went on a bender, having a months-long cocktail party in my head, and has stayed in the room of sinus behind my nose to party itself to death, rot and fester. This is dangerous, because its zombie snotcloud corpse could eat through the lining to my brain and attack my cerebral cortex etc., maybe.

Meanwhile, also, bad things were happening in my throat and lungs - viral things - and I probably could have died!

I got antibiotics to kill off the bugs and mold growing in my sinuses, and I also got pseudoephedrine - meth, practically - to eviscerate the petulant snotcloud altogether. So far nothing has really changed, even though I've practically been on meth for five days. I've lost three teeth and yesterday I killed some dude, I've scratched my legs off, but my head is still vaguely snotty.

All I ever want to do is take a nap (in spite of the meth) but there's too much going on to do that. Too much going on!

I totally have plans to start running again this week.

40. Weather, tragic storage practices

Missoula MT, dark and dreary, glumpy and groomy. It gets dark so early! How do people live like this?

As everyone who knows anything knows, there is no point at all in being here when the Dairy Queen on Higgins is closed. It's too hard to deal with. I am pleased to report that it's open again and I am back in town.

I haven't been to the Dairy Queen yet - it's too far out of the way. It's out in the middle of nowhere. No one lives over there. Why is it so far away? When the Dairy Queen was built way back when, Higgins Avenue was probably a rural highway.

I predict sun the next few days, and also I predict that I will go to the Dairy Queen very soon. Tomorrow will be three minutes and thirteen seconds longer than today.

What kind of moron cannot anticipate future music obsessions and packs her Beach Boys albums in boxes hidden deep in the cavernous depths of her storage unit?

Missoula, we're hanging by a thread.