43. Weather, crime, other outrages

Things are pretty hairy here in Missoula these days and we are all walking around on tenterhooks. First of all, there's all this weather happening in Missoula.  One second it's sunny, the next second it's snowing.  In April!  It's completely outrageous.  It could be argued that crazy weather happens every spring in every place in the entire world, but... it's outrageous!  Right now it's not snowing - can you believe it?

Second, we here in Missoula cannot stop robbing pharmacies.  It's hard to say why, although obviously the culprit is OBAMANOMICS which has driven us to destitution, and also we really like drugz.  Here's a tragic fact: I am immune to opiates.  I was disappointed to discover this.  Last month I got the cough syrup with codeine.  Everyone told me how great it would be.  But I'd take some and it would do nothing, and then I'd take some more and still nothing.  Now I'm taking hydrocodone.  Again, everyone told me how great it would be, it was much hyped.  Excited, I took the first pill, anticipating great things.  Nothing.  Boring.  (Also, painful.  Painkiller, hello?)  I can't really understand why people would enjoy it so much they'd decide to steal it.  I can think of much better things to steal, like tennis rackets or new pillows - things that would actually be useful.  Hydrocodone?  Stupid!  It doesn't do anything at all!

Third, there's this whole issue about the gay homos wanting to use Missoula bathrooms.  Can you imagine!  It's outrageous.  Early this morning, the city council passed an ordinance requiring all the women and children in Missoula to marry cross-dressing rapists, even if it's against their religion.  Previously, the only refuge fine ladies like myself had from pedophiles in dresses was the bathroom.  But now we have no protection.  Where do I run to now if I see them coming at me on the street?  I don't know!  Also, if you are a family of four and some confused person wanders into your bathroom and wants to rent it, you have to rent it to them now, even if you don't want to.  I tell you what, it is terrifying.  I am terrified to go to the bathroom now and have been holding it for the past 18 hours and 45 minutes (and counting).  Which is uncomfortable, because I've been drinking a lot of kombucha lately.  What everyone but me forgets when they're talking about this issue is, what about the children?  The children!  It makes me so ANGRY.

After a quick but highly intelligent skimming of a webpage on the internet, I have determined the secret hidden agenda of the ordinance: the GRAMMATICAL DEGRADATION OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.  They're going to require everyone to stop using masculine and feminine pronouns and start using the neuter pronoun - which, as everyone knows, takes EXACTLY THE SAME FORM in the nominative and in the accusative!  The commie-lib-concrete-dwelling linguistic prescriptivists in the Missoula City Council are ultimately trying to do away with the case system!  But not with MY pronouns.  I refuse to give up my American heritage.  My ancestors created those cases!  All these illegals today want to get rid of them just like that?  No thank you ma'am.  I for one am someone whom won't stop using the case system my ancestors so painstakingly created.  We have just shards remaining of the genitive and the dative, and the precious pronominal remains of the accusative need to be cherished and preserved like old dried rose petals in vases that gather dust and don't smell good anymore anyway.  Oh, don't even talk to me about the syntax picking up the slack in indicating grammatical relations.  Syntax?  Please.  And - just between you and I - I would also like to see the creation of English ablative and allative cases.  Latin had them, why can't we?

(By the way, guess what else I found out on the internet!  About all those earthquakes... it's Mother Earth giving birth to, um, either Jesus or The Beast, I'm not sure which [because I didn't finish reading the blog post about it]. It's one of them, one or the other.  I mean, it's God, not Mother Earth [because the earth is a PAGAN].  God just really doesn't like Joe Biden [because Joe Biden said the f-word {also known as the 'f-bomb' - bomb! BOMB! Coincidence? Of course not.}].)

I'm obsessed with surf music and can't think about anything else right now, so I have to end this entry as soon as I extend the following internet threat: if I find out you haven't gotten a pertussis booster shot I will KILL you in 3-5 weeks when I can fight again.